OCTOBER 31, 2012

Log from October 31^st:

I know you read this, and I don't care if you know.

I've become a Runner again. I'm Running from the Fears stalking from the shadows, and from you.

After receiving a bouquet on my doorstep - gardenias, azaleas, peonies, jonquil, red hyacinth and carnations (of course, red), amaryllis, sprigs of coriander, narcissus, and a single bachelor button - it was clearly time to go. I'm so close to being killed, or worse.

Unless she comes back to me...I'll be Running my entire life. I'm slowly coming to terms.

I'm the magnet, now. The Fear magnet. The rape magnet. The next Vessel.

If the Red Cap is inside me, the Mistress and I... I don't even know what that means, for her and I.

OCTOBER 29, 2012

Log from October 29^th:

THE EYE BEDTIME STORY

It’s staring

It’s judging

This obsessive spy

It’s glaring

Begrudging

Condemned me to die.

bedtime stories are better when red read to me

OCTOBER 23, 2012

Log from October 23^rd:

I found this. I was packing things up again, and I found it written on the same paper as before. My notepad itself is gone. She must have taken it with her.

October 20:

I've decided not to fight it anymore. It's always inside me...watching me, waiting for me to be weak, and I just... I just can't. I can't bear it. I'm not strong enough to be 'in control'. It's so far beyond my control that I can't even remember my own name. I know it's not 'Red'.

I've been 'Red' forever. At least, that's how it feels.

So...I'll be Red.

...Somehow I just know this will come back to bite me in the ass.

OCTOBER 22, 2012

Log from October 22^nd:

She left me. This morning.

I think I may be in shock. I haven't stopped crying, yet.

Please. I'm begging you.

Come back to me.

OCTOBER 21, 2012 (PM)

Log from October 21^st (PM):

My god. You really want her so bad? For fuck's sake. Go ahead and take her.

Re-evaluating the situation...she's just not worth starving myself.

OCTOBER 21, 2012

Log from October 21^st:

i dont have much time and i can barely work this website. thank you, to the 1 scarlet-marked who was still loyal enough to me to log on and give me access to this blog.

just commenting isn't cutting it anymore. i keep failing to really get your attention little robin. so i decided.

i know your in new york. you give everything away, its not hard to track you down. your so careful - well not careful enough. im coming to you, and if i drag along these marked with me, so be it. together we can take them, you just need the red cap inside you too.

and i'll get inside you, once i'm there.

thats a promise.

OCTOBER 16, 2012

Log from October 16^th:

THE PLAGUE DOCTOR BEDTIME STORY

I’ve broken my Hippocratic Oath;

My punishment is disease.

Dirty, infected with every ill,

Cut sickness out of me, please.

Lock me away in a sterile room

Will somebody find me a cure?

Can’t cope with this sickness anymore

So murder me, just to be sure.

OCTOBER 14, 2012

Log from October 14:

I found this, written on a notepad on my desk.

October 13:

I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like there's always something lurking under the surface, inside me. It's like...nausea? I mean, I think? I can't actually tell. I've never been sick, that I can recall.

Being sick is a human thing, and...I'm not human, exactly, I'm the Red Cap.

Not just a Red Cap, either. Somehow, I just know. I am the Red Cap. It's been inside me for years. I can't even guess as to how long...

I feel...unclean.

OCTOBER 9, 2012

Log from October 9^th:

This is a personal message, from me to any of the Scarlet-marked who may read this.

Please stop what you're doing and pay tribute. She's weak. Your dedication to serve is noble, and no one understands the need to do as she says better than I, but please.

She's hardly herself, anymore.

OCTOBER 6, 2012

Log from October 6^th:

The Mistress claims today is her birthday, "she thinks." She isn't positive. She says that the lack of certainty is beginning to make her ill; she's in a constant state of hunger and weakness that no amount of food or rest can soothe. I know exactly what she needs, but she won't allow me to give it to her. I offer to bleed for her, and she declines; she says the nosebleed is enough.

Perhaps it honestly would be enough, were she not starving herself. Every Scarlet-marked in the United States seems to be hunting Russ. I don't know how I feel about that.

On the one hand, her jealousy is a sign of how deeply she cares. On the other hand, her obsession is leading to this...self-harm.

...She doesn't even remember that she's jealous.